


How Not to Handle an Unrequited Crush

by WhoopsiDaisy



Category: Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Gen, Riddler - Freeform, also please don't use this as a potential plan of action for your crush situation, but someone is going to get hit pretty hard, that would be bad, the violence isn't extremely graphic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-18
Updated: 2018-04-21
Packaged: 2019-04-24 13:29:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,208
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14356470
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhoopsiDaisy/pseuds/WhoopsiDaisy
Summary: In which Edward Nygma really needs to learn to interact with the object of his affections in a socially acceptable manner.  (Get this man a relationships counselor.  Or enroll him in an Introduction to Interpersonal Communication course at the local community college.)





	1. Chapter 1

The boss was pacing, and that never meant anything good.  He was generally liked by the thugs of the Gotham Underworld, seeing as he paid well and never expected you to think up any ideas because “Who could _possibly_ come up with something better than what I already have?” but everyone still knew to be wary when he was in one of his moods.  The only two people in the warehouse that were within 50 feet of his path were Diedre and Nina, more commonly known as Query and Echo, and the various brutes were fine with that.  Sure, they could take on Nygma in a fist fight, but if you messed with him, you messed with his two most trusted companions – and none of the guys were willing to take their chances on that battle.  Jack, one of the Riddler’s regular hires, was on sentry duty and inadvertently picked up some of their conversation.

 “I just think it would help if you knew how he felt about all this, boss.”

 "How he…” Edward pinched the bridge of his nose and took a quick breath.  “He’s dating someone ELSE, Query.  I think I know how he feels about ‘all this.’

 “Well yeah, but you don’t know how he feels about _you_.”

 “And what am I supposed to do about that, Echo – get him alone and force him to tell me wh-…oh.  OH.  Oh Eddie, you devilishly handsome genius, you.  That is _exactly_ what we’ll do!”

 The women looked at each other.

 “Ummm…  What is it we’re doing, boss?”

 “Kidnapping, my dear girls!  We are going to kidnap him, and then I am going to force him to tell me why he didn’t choose me!”  Edward strolled jauntily back to his office, twirling his cane. 

_Oh great_ , thought Jack from his perch.  _Well I hope he needs some muscle for this one…I could use the cash._


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just some domestic filler before we hunt down the guy that broke Eddie's heart.

“He still in there?” Nina asked, somehow managing to carry five very full grocery bags into the hideout and dropping them on the worktable.  (“Taking more than one trip is for losers!” she would shout, while Diedre would roll her eyes and hope nothing fell.)

“Yes.  And it’s getting bad.  He’s well on his way to existing solely on celery and those Go Go Squeez things you picked up last week.”

“Oh, I _knew_ he would love those!” Nina squealed.

“Not the point, hon.  He’s spiraling.  I’m always down for a good kidnapping, but when Ed gets his emotions involved it’s never good.  I wish he would have just let us handle it.  We would have had the guy by now.”

Both girls turned their heads at the sound of a large crash coming from the office.  Echo raised an eyebrow and tilted her head towards the door.  Diedre begrudgingly got up, headed over to the office door, and was just about to put her hand on the doorknob when she was stopped by a frantic “I’m fine!  Don’t come in!” from the other side of the door.

“Eddie, honey?  Are you sure you’re alright?”

“I just _said_ I was, so go away!”  Diedre shot Nina a knowing look.

“Well, it’s just…we haven’t seen you in two days, and we’re a little concerned.”

“Why?  I’m an _adult_ , Echo, I can handle myself!”

“It’s Query, hon.”

“Query, Echo, whoever you are – I’m _fine_ , so please go away.”  Diedre sighed.  It was days like this when she had to remind herself of the benefits of working for this frustrating, brilliant, childlike man.  Primarily it was for the money.  The day he failed to deliver her hefty paycheck was the day she was whisking Nina away and never working for a man again.  Before she could voice her frustrations, Nina bounced up to the door.

“I have an idea.  Go sit down before you kick down the door and punch him in the throat.”  Diedre did not hesitate to vacate.  “Hey boss, Echo here!”

“What do you want, Echo?” sounded from behind the door, a little more tired than before.

“I was hoping you would come out and join me and Query for dinner tonight!  I managed to…uh…acquire…some gift certificates for that nice steakhouse on 17th street, so the guys are all out.  We have the place to ourselves!” 

          Nina waited.  She knew the idea of a warehouse free from his other employees would be tempting to Edward.  He felt the need to maintain the illusion that he was greater than mere mortals around the other guys, and while he could have just dazzled them with his intellect, he extended this routine to his eating habits as well.  The only way to get a decent meal into him was to clear the place out or retreat to one of his apartments.  They were already having enough of a hard time getting him to leave his office, so the apartment plan wasn’t looking too good.

“What…what are you making?” Edward asked tentatively.

“Curry!” A pause.  “Yes, it’s green curry.  Eddie, why would I make you a different kind of curry?  I’d just have to look up another recipe, and it wouldn’t match your décor as well.”  Another pause.  “I promise it won’t be too spicy, boss.  I’ll kick Query out of the kitchen – it was her fault last time.” 

“Hey!  It’s not my fault you can’t take a little heat!”  Nina glared and waved her hand at her counterpart, shushing her.

“So what do you say, boss?  We can have a little dinner party!”  She took a step back when she heard the lock click, and the door opened to reveal a slightly rumpled Riddler. 

            To be fair, it was not the worst they had seen him.  When he was on a roll with a scheme or feeling more paranoid than usual things could get out of hand rather quickly.  Luckily, tonight was not one of those times.  No, this time they just had to contend with some awkward auburn stubble, wrinkled trousers, and what look liked ink stains (green, of course) on his forearms and shirt.  Nothing some time in the bathroom and a fresh change of clothes wouldn’t fix. 

“Oh good!  Now, Query, please take Edward upstairs to get freshened up.  And you should change too – this is going to be a respectable dinner party!  My food deserves better than a casual night at a messy kitchen table.  Now shoo!  We’ll reconvene in about an hour to set the table.”  Nina practically skipped to the grocery bags on the table and whisked them into the kitchen.  (Technically, it was the warehouse’s employee break room, but Edward had made the shop floor the recreation area and updated the break room with actual appliances instead of the rusty hotplate and minifridge that had been left behind – he might be a fugitive, but no one, especially one with his intellect, should stoop to that level of barbarity.) 

“Alright, boss.  We have our orders from General Peppy over there.”  They headed upstairs to the offices being used as bedrooms and parted ways.  “Oh, and wear the lilac shirt with the vest -that always makes you feel better,” she shot over her shoulder.  “‘Sunday clothes’ and all that,” she finished to herself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1) I do not own Go Go Squeez, but I spend too much money on their stuff, so please don't sue me.  
> 2) In my mind Edward cannot handle spicy foods. I think he'd act like he could, because hip sushi joints have the most dramatic interior lighting that add mystique to a business meeting, but he'll say things like, "I prefer not to alter the taste of the original creation" when people ask if he wants wasabi.


End file.
